Carnage began with Ace Lightning singing "We Wnat Fun"! That's right, singing it!
Not playing it, singing it! After Ace Lightning had been scolded for his terrible mistake by the commentator we got
under way. Amazing, in the next camera shot there was a fan, and he wasn't stuffed. No, this was a living, breathing,
thinking human being who actually watched our performance! And we didn't have to pay him... much anyway.
All of a sudden, Ace started up HBK's "Sexy Boy" music. You really can't get any music more
unsuiting of Ace Lightning. I mean, "Sexy Boy"! Anyway, he danced around a little bit before our commentator was
caught completely off guard by an old man walking out from behind he "titnatron".
They got to the ring and Ace told us that the old man was called "Grandpa" (cunning, hey) and that
he would be part of Team WCW, even though he isn't from WCW, but instead from a ditch. Then Grandpa showed us his "POWER-WOWER"
which he had on his back. It apparently give him his pills, but when put in reverse hurts people to hell. Now
that, ladies and gentlemen, has to be the worst gimmick we've thought up since Mad Dog Mulone.
Then, out came none other than the Escaped Convict. You can imagine the clash in personalities
here can't you. I mean, you have Grandpa, part of Team WCW whos special thing is a super-soaker filler which he calls
a "POWER-WOWER" and Escaped Convict, who has escaped from Alkatraz and uses chairs to beat peoploe with, one of which he was
carrying to the ring just then. Anyway, Escaped Conict starts having a go at the fact that there arer too many "Freaks"
in the federation.
Grandpa now took it upon himself to try and kill Escaperd Convict with the POWER-WOWER. Escaped
Convict stood there for about 30 seconds before whipping him uinto the ropes and then proceeding to flapjack him onto a chair.
This should have kept him knocked out for at least a year, but in true Team WCW style, he got up almost immediatly,
only to get the Convict Claw. Ace then came into to help, which he didn't. Escaped Convict then got him in the
Convict Claw also. Grandpa then tryed a running murble, but that failed as his head on the floor. Not very surprising
After Escaped Convict left, Grandpa hugged Ace Lightning, but then proceeded to accidentally German
Suplex him. This basically screwed the music up for the rest of the evening.
We came back after the break to see 3, that's right, 3 fans. 3 fans who were alive. 3 fans
who actually wanted to watch BWF Carnage and who weren't paid all that much. True, they may have been Ed's
friend's younger brothers, who also happen to be Will's friends, but they were there and that's what counted.
Then, Mr Anus' music hit, but Whiter T came out, staring at the hand in true Booker... I mean, Whiter
T style. He sat in the ring for a while telling us about how great he is, before Murorga's old music hit. The
crowd were crazy until Nelson walked out and they relaised it was just one of his wannabe acts.
Nelson told Boo... Whiter how pathetic it was that he had only one the hardcore title 5 times, and
that Nelson had won it 6, or 7 times. Then he asked Bo.. Whioter if he wanted to be a 6 time hardcore champ, which he
replied to with a punch. He never was good at speaking.
Hardcore Title Match:
Nelson Flash-Heart Vs. Whiter T
After their match on Mayhem, Whiter T was the odds-on favoutrite to win this match.
However, Nelson is being trained by Murorga Sim Bowa and thus, it was going to be a much more even match.
Having said that, it probably wasn't, as B... Whiter T had taken Nelson by surprise with
the opening punch and started to lay a beating onto Nelson. Using a harsh karate kick he knocked Nelson to the ground
and proceeded to look at is hand, which was jolly exciting. Well actually, it wasn't. Anyhoo, Nelson started to
fight back with a clothesline to the mid-section.
However, as Nelson ent for a take down on the White, Whiter T blocked it and to a yell of
"HOLY SHIZENHOWARD" by the commentator, swung him over his shoulder and then powerbombed him. Nelson managed to contiue
to fight, though, and hit a magnificentn dropkick onto the mastyer of the hand before delivering a harsh DDT to the doorstep
of the biggest lair-off in sports-entertainment. He followed this up with his patented flipping neckbreaker, but the
man with the hair kicked out.
The schizophrenic T then grabbed Escaped Convict's chair, and made full use of the NDQ rule.
Then he went for the scissors kick, but Nelson was smart and moved, causing the former 5 time hardocre champion fall to the
floor. Nelson bar-room-brawled him to the ground and dived off the chair to try and clothesline T-man. But he
was equal to it and caught Nelson in mid-air, before manhattan dropping him (for anyone who doesn't know, a manhattan drop
is very painful to the groinal area).
Whiter T then hit the scissors kick and then, in true Booker T style, didn't opin him but
instead did the spineroon... I mean, Whiteroonie, allowing Nelso to recover and hit the pacifier and get the win.
After the match, Whiter T hit Nelson with the scissors kick to show that it ain't over
between those two.
Winner: Nelson Flash-Heart (by Pacifier)
No. 1 Contendors Match for European Title:
Phoenix Vs. Suicidal Tendencies
Amazingly, the highlight of this match has
to be Suicidal's entrance. It is now considered the best entrance of all time. Let me describe it to you:
Suddenly you see this little black thing
pass across the bottom of the screen. As the camera pans down you realise the Suicidal has actually slid out from behind
the titenatron. He then proceeds to do 3 worms towards the ring, and when he finishes he turns over to make a crucifix
on the "entrance ramp" to the ring. He then does a backwards role, pushing himself up with his hands so that he lands
on his feet. When he gets in the ring, he looks at Phoenix and waves his arms in a way that makes it look like his shoulders
are dislocated. He proceeds to do the patonted point-at-sky and he spins aroundin a circle. He then takes off
is mask and throws it up in the air. He manages to somehow kick it like it's a football and then puts his beanie back
on as he runs towards the camera. He then has these crazy eyes which make him look insane.
Pretty cool, huh? You have to see it
to get the full effect, but trust me on this one, it's brilliant.
Now then, to the match, which is what i am
paid to describe, not entrances. Suicidal was in control to begin with as he used his major flying forearms to nail
Phoenix. Phoenix manages to get in a bulldog, but is too tired to capitalise. Suicidal is then given his
mask by one of our fans and this makes him scream. I don't know why, it just does. He then runs at Phoenix and
gets flapjacked to the tune of a high-pitched yell. Phoenix then went to give Suicidal the rebirth, but it was not to
be. Instead, Suicidal blocked it and screamed. It seems to be a strange obsession of his, screaming.
Suddenly, Phoenix gave him a massive clothesline
which landed suicidal on his head. It was truly the harshest clothesline ever seen in the BWF. However, its reign
did not last long, as Phoenix followed it up with a clothesline that sent Suicidal spinning through the air lke a cricket
ball, only Suicidal doesn't like cricket.
Phoenix then went to do another beastly bulldog,
but it was revesed into a back drop. Suicidal Tendencies then went for the Suicidal Move, but Phoenix moved out of the
way, and man did you hear Suicidal's spine break in half. OK, maybe it wasn't that bad, ut it was pretty harsh.
Phoenix decided to again try for the rebirth,
and again he failed. Suicidal then took out his led and hit him with the Rolling Suicide. That should have been
all, but Phoenix kicked out. Phoenix then gave Suicidal a DDT and a suplex free of charge. Suicidal came right
back at him with a missed clothesline and Phoenix got third time lucky as he gave him a rebirth and won the match.
After the match Suicidal realised that one
of our fans liked him, so he celebrated with him before Phoenix gave him another DDT.
Goat Boy decided that he would come out next and he came out with 2 titles. The European, which
he had won at BackyardMania, and the Intercontinental, which belonged to Scorpion. He claimed Scorpion was too injured
from Mayheable to defend it within the 5 week period.m's abeating and decided that he would hold the title,
as Scorpion wouldn't be He then started blathering onabout how the fans love him, and amazingly, they abruptly
disappeared. No joke, one minute thwey were on camera, the next they had gone. I am really not joking!
He then told us that, as he was a fighting champion, he would take on an opponent in order to show
the world he was a worthy champion. Hethen told us that his opponent would be the commissioner.
Kurt Angle's music then started up, but instead of the usual "bleep-bleep" that happens after the
initial tootling in the music, it was a tune of heavy guitar riffs. This, of course, signified, none other than M.C.
Intercontinental Championship Match:
M.C. Pain Vs. Goat Boy
Well, after MC had asked for a title shot and Goat Boy had said no, the MC said yes. Goat Boy
replied that he couldn't argue with that and the match got under way.
Goat Boy had control to begin with, but the MC of Pain was too tough to stay down. This is,
of course, the same as in every match, as in, the person never gets pinned at the beginning.
The MC began to take control after Goat Boy went for a bulldog, but MC Pain landed ina handstand
and then kicked Goat Boy in the face. Now that's smart. MC then hit a massivy clothesline that sent Goat Boy crashing
to the mat. Goat Boy then got up and managed to get in a role up and grabbed the MC's trousers to get more leverage.
The MC was far too strong though and fought out like a fish.
The Hailed Horned One then went to do his own flash-magic - which is MC Pain's move - but failed
and missed. MC then hit a kick and they both started struggling to their feet. Wehn they arrived there Goat Boy
hit MC's knee and pulled-off a hell of a dragon screw.
Goat Boy then locked on a very strange looking submission, which the MC reversed into his trade mark
Hippin' Hold, or Edge-a-cator to you WWE fans. After he had escaped, Goat Boy realised he stood no chance and did what
any man of his calibre would do... run away.
MC Pain was annoyed at this and followed. As soon as the camera man ran up to the door through
which Goat Boy had escaped, Goat Boy came running out again, closely followed by the Bad Boy of Bling.
Goat Boy then told the "ref" (who is imaginary) to look at the opposite side of the "arena".
The camera man, being extremely dense, did so also, and you heard a sickening crunch from off-screen. As the camera
panned back, Goat Boy was laughing and holding the I.C. Title whilst MC Pain was laying dead on the ground. Well, he
was knocked-out anyway.
Goat Boy then walked around a bit and very cockily oput one finger on the MC. In true South
London style, the Rabi of Rapping kicked out. The God of Goats was, of course, distraught and pinned him again, and
won. Oh, wait, no he didn't! Sorry about that. The Mc managed to kick out again! So he pinned
him again, but this time he grabbed the tights, and still MC Pain would not stay down.
MC Pain then hit some kicks that Goat Boy flying into orbit before hitting a leg drop that will go
down in history as a leg drop. Goat Boy managed to dodge the flash-magic though and then he headbutted MC in the gut.
Of course, not literally, IN the gut, and that's just disgusting. Goat Boy tryed to hit a Goat-a-Matic, but it was reversed
into an atomic drop. (For those of you with less expertise than me, who are few and far-between, an atomic drop
is a reverse manhattan drop). fter that MC hit a mini flash magic, bt was too tired to make a pin attempt.
After a bit more fighting, Goat Boy hooked MC up in an Oklahoma Roll, but the MC kicked
out and managed to hit the BEST EVER flash magic. You can expect to see pictures of it soon.
Winner: M.C. Pain (Flash Magic)
After the match Goat Boy offered Mc Pain a handshake, which he accepted. Then Goat Boy kneeded
him squarly in the abdomen and hit the Goat Food befor eleaving the new I.C. Title holder laying on the ground in disgrace.
It was now that we saw the first snippets of the training happening. First up was Ho Chi and
Of course, Ho Chi hates Eternal Darkness, so we weren't expecting to see much training. But
still, this let us down. It began with Ho Chi telling Eternal that "Lesson 1 was why you smell. Lesson 2 was why
you're crap. And this is lesson 3... why you suck!" He then told the man from beneath the sea that he couldn't
attack him in any way at all.
The beating that Ho Chi proceeded to give was immense and ended with a Ho Chi Driver. After
this, he gave Eternal D lesson 4 "Why I hate you!" and gave him the Vietnamese Deathlock.
Then we saw Murorga and Nelson training. Murorga was very kind in his "I'm a mentally deranged
maniac who is constantly beating people to the ground whilst I shake my face and say 'Marblebarbleraggledar'" way.He taught
Nelson the Murorga Powa Slamma Jamma before heading out to the ring to face the Escaped Convict.
BWF Championship match:
Murorga Sim Bowa Vs The Escaped Convict
Murorga, not surprisingly beat the holy cabbage out of the man from Alkatraz for a while a then locked
in the dreaded figure 5 leg lock which locks your legs in a figure 4. However, the Convict turned it over meaning that
Murorga was in the Indian Deathlock. The Escaped Convict now had control of the match, and his steering was very bad,
meaning we all started to feel sick.
It was now that the various commentators who are being constantly hired and fired by the commishioner
started to complain of a man behind them, though they did not reveal is identity. Just like a murder case, really:
"It was him!" "Who?" "I don't know."
So Murorga Sim Bowa is getting beaten when all of a sudden he picks the Escaped Convict up on his
shoulders. "Murorga Powa Slamma Jamma!" I hear you squeal with delight. Mais non, it is the huge lift that he
does, and it's pretty damn impressive watching him lift a 275 pound man over his head like he weighed 140 pounds.
He then gives him a HUMUNGOUS punch to the head and then recieves a spinebuster for a mere £2.50
from the Escaped Convict. But this is not enough to hold down the Backyardmania main-eventer, and he hits the Murorga
Slmma Jamma and looks like he about to win.
Scorpion then ran out, though he is meant to be injured, and speared the face-wobbler into the mat.
He locked in the Sting in the Tail and held it in place for a million years that was actually only 30 seconds.
As both the Escaped Convict and Murorga Sim Bowa got up, there was still a chance for the people's
champion to win the match, unless he was beaten, where he wouldn't have won the match. Then the Escaped Convict demolished
him with a chair before letting him out of a sure 3 count. It seemed he wasn't content with merely beating him, he wanted
to beat him as well. That made no sense!
So the Escaped Convict smashed Murorga across the back and then once more across the head before
pinning the BWF Champ. Then, in an incredible feat of incredibility, Murorga Sim Bowa kicked out and started to get
up. As the Convict went to hit him a 4th time with the chair he delivered him a big boot through the chair and the chair
didn't even ask for a tip. Murorga then hit the Murorga Powa Slamma Jamma before hitting the Escaped Convict with a
chair shot only beaten by Suicidal's onto Mutilator on Mayhem. He then pinned Escaped Convict and allowed us
to keep having 6' 10", 305 lb champ.
Winner: Murorga Sim Bowa (Chair shot)
This was not enough for Murorga though, and he hit Escaped Convict across the leg in a fit of rage.
He locked in the figure 5 leg lock, but Convict had the chair in his hands and he hit him over the head with it.
As it looked like he needed help, Nelson came out to help Murorga and he managed to lift the Escaped
Convict onto his shoulders and Murorga Powa slamma Jamma'd him to the outside. Murorga then thanked him and then they
did the "Sim Bowa Powa" (Hulking up) together. When they did it a 4th time in the dirction of the Escaped Convict, he
got knocked out cold with the chessiest move bar the "POWER-WOWER".