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Mayhem 20/06/04

Results from the first the BWF of the season:

The new season of BWF was ready to rumble, and we had our current commentator's champion (he demanded that I put that in, we don't really have a championship for commentators) Matt on the mic ready to call our first match.

Hardcore Title
Nelson FlashHeart Vs Suicidal Tendencies
Commentator: Matt
Nelson was the first man to come out, carrying a steel plate.  I bet you thought he would be carrying the BWF hardcore title, being the champ, but it just goes to show, when you can't afford a title belt, you aren't gonna have one.
Suicidal Tendencies then entered.  He looked eager to get his hands on the hardcore title.  Or, as eager as someone who can't speak can look.  Throughout his entrance, Suicidal seemed to have a problem putting his right arm down, but theat's Suicidal for you.
When Suicidal got in the ring, Nelson took him odwn with a hard clothesline.  I'm talking about the move, not ann actual clothesline, as that would just be silly.  Suicidal managed to duck a steel plate shot, and, after thhe duck had been taken away, kicked the plate straight into Nelson's face.
Suicidal remained in control for quite a while, using a giant foam finger to prod Nelson in the eye.  However, Suicidal tryed to speak into the microphone, but as he never learned to speak, was obviously failing quite badly.  Nelson took advantage and dropkicked him in the back.
Suicidal managed to reverse a Neslson leglock into a big drop onto his knee (Suicidal's not Nelson's, obviously).  Suicidal then jumped on Nelson's back twice, but on the attempt for the third, Nelson got a knee up into his groin.  Suicidal stumbled away in agony, and Nelson delivered him a DDT with a postage and packing fee of only 2.99
Suicidal got up, and did what any other superstar would try to do: tryed once again to speak.  Nelson took this moment to hit him on the head with a steel plate.  Twice.  Nelson then ate Suicidal hat and spat it out.  Yes..... Suicidal got enraged at this put his hat back on, but pulled it too far down, so it covered his eyes.  Nelson took advantage and slammed Suicidal's head onto a steel plate in the ring.  He then did a move he devoted to Paul Phoenix which was a headbutt to the groin that came nowhere near the groin.
Suicidal managed to reverse a bulldog into a sideslam.  He then stated to destroy Nelson's legs into they were just a mesh of blood on the floor.  well, maybe not that much, but he hurt them anyway.  Suicidal's control continued when he threw Nelson into the one-way glass.  However, when Suicidal was holding his leg, Nelson hit an enziguri.  However, his control was short-lived as Suicidal reversed an abdominal stretch with a hip toss.  Suicidal hit a dropkick and then started working on Nelson's arm.  Suicidal hit a suplex, but missed the Suicidal Move, meaning the match continued.
Nelson's bar-room-brawl (a 5 punch combination) hit the mark, but the Pacifier, unfortuantely didn't, so Suicidal managed to connect with a leg drop (how was that ever a 3 count move?), and went to work on Nelson's legs again.  This hurt Nelson, as you can imagine it would, as Suicidal's work is 3 miles from his house, and he went all the way there on his legs.  Nelson caught Suicidal with a drop toe hold, that somehow caused Suicidal to fall on his head.  A close 2 count later, and Nelson was fustrated.  He lifted Suicidal and dropped him on his knee.  suicidal still managed to kick though, even after a dropkick to the head.
Nelson connected with the most impressive move so far: the spinning head scissors.  He smashed Suicidal into the one way glass and then gace him a bulldog.  However, Suicidal ducked the clothesline.  Nelson then ducked Suicidal's clothesline before Nelson caught his arm and delivered a spinning bulldog.  He then locked in the Bar Room Crossface.
Just when it looked like the match as won, Commissioner Jim/Bob ran out and delivered a huge shot to the head of Nelson with a giant mobile phone (which apparently reduces chances of getting cancer from a mobile)!  Suicidal placed a steel plate on Nelson and then delivered the Suicidal Move and won the hardcore championship!
Winner: Suicidal Tendencies (Suicidal Move)

Commissoner Jim/Bob then appeared on the screen.  In a pretty hilarious interview that can't be described, so you're just going to have to buy it on tape.  I'll give you the address sometime.  anyway, the jist of it was that there is a new form of the NuW being started by the Commissioner called the Commissioner's Army!  Suicidal was the first member, and that is why the Commissioner had helped him.  This is shocking new people!  No, really.  It is.....

T Break
Guest: Goat Boy
Commentator: Matt
The T break was set up and we were all highly excited about the first T Break of this season.  Honest, we were.  Really...
Anyway, Whiter T came out, but while he was talking, he was interrupted by Goat Boy's music.  As the Hailed Horned One made his way to the ring, amidst imaginary boos from the imaginary corwd, he showed the camera his mug, which, naturally, had a picture of him on it.  You couldn't really see the picture at first, but you saw it after a while.  To buy this mug, visit our shop.
Goat Boy sat down, and the chair broke.  "By the way, the chair's broken" informed Whiter T.  Whiter T got him another chair, which he fell off.  Eventually, after many pointless yet hilarious things had happened (Goat Boy spitting out Whiter T's "rich tea" biscuits, Whiter T calling Goat Boy "Goat face" nonstop, Whiter slapping Goat Boy, etc) Whiter T got round to asking Goat Boy the question we were all pondering (well, I was anyway): are you in the Commissioner's Army?
Goat Boy responded that yes, he was in the Commissioner's Army, because he is the best wrestler in the world.  "Except for me" corrected the T.  "No, no.  I'm the best" "Except for me".  Goat Face... I mean, Boy, got really annoyed at this and when Whiter T turned his back....
The following description is very graphic and may well hurt your eyes.  Many viewers will find disturbing.
Goat Boy hit him with the biscuits.  That's right.  And then, to add insult to major injury, he poured the T on the tea, o wait, the other way round, the tea on the T while he lay in agony!

Phoenix Vs Scorpian
Commentator: God and Jim
The match started with a good ol' fashioned collar and elbow tie-up.  Well, it actually started with the ring of a bell, but the tie-up was the first move.  Phoenix kneed Scorpian in the stomach and executed a huge brainbuster onto Scorpian, busting his brains.  However, Scorpian got up and gave Phoenix a suplex.  Phoenix wasn't to be outdone, though (just like Agamemnon, really), and gave Scorpian a German suplex  But Scorpian, the copycat he is, got up and gave him a German suplex.  So the two competitors were evenly matched in the early going.
Phoenix managed to gain control by slamming Scorpian's head into the one way glass and then ramming his head into the ground with the variation of a bulldog.  Phoenix then gave Scorpian a DDT, but only got a 2 count.  Scorpian then reversed the pin into an armbar.
However, Phoenix was equal to it and reversed it into a hammerlock.  Scorpian then locked in a hammerlock of his own.  Phoenix then surprised as all by countering with the Rebirth.  But Scorpian staggered out of the ring and therefore couldn't be pinned.
After Phoenix had picked Scorpian up, the Sly Stinger had recovered his breath and gave Phoenix a low kick and a DDT.  He slammed Phoenix into the one way glass and rolled him up in a small package, but Phoenix managed to kick out beofre the 3.
It looked like Scorpian was going for the Sting in the Tail, when Phoenix reversed it.  Many different reversals and holds and pins later, Phoenix managed to destroy Scorpian with a backdrop, landing scorpian on his back, cunningly.
Phoenix hit with 2 clotheslines, but then Scorpian ducked and connected with a massive diving clothesline.  A variation on the camel clutch saw Phoenix about to give up, but the Reborn one managed to hold on.  Eventually, Phoenix managed to lock in an anklelock.
Scorpian hit Phoenix with a dropkick, and was in control of the match.  Until a reversal of the anklelock by Phoenix meant that Scorpian was tricked into running into the one way glass.  However, he had enough wits about him to mutilate Phoenix with a Scorpian Smash.  However, with all his energy spent, he couldn't make the pin.
Scorpian went for the spear, but missed and once again his head bounced off of the one way glass!  Phoenix then delivered him the ReBirth and got the pin for victory!
Winner: Phoenix (ReBirth)

The Intercontinental Champion MC Pain entered the arena to his cool new music "Can't Touch This".  He danced about for about an hour or something, and then the rabi of rapping lived up to his name by rapping like a rabi.
However, midway through his rap, dark opera music (that's right, dark opera music) hit and Eternal Darkness made his way to the ring.  He demanded a match for the Intercontinental Champion, and, before he recieved an answer, attacked the MC of Pain, which in BWF language, you can't argue with.  Thus the match was begun.
Intercontinental Championship
MC Pain Vs Eternal Darkness
Commentator: Not God
Eternal Darkness slammed MC Pain on his head in an unorthentic, yet amazingly harsh move.  He then went to work on the legs of the MC, obviously trying to disable that Flash Magic that he uses to finish opponents.  However, the MC reversed and confused Eternal D with his strangeness before slapping him round the head.  Eternal Darkness, however, kicked him in the leg, againn trying to disable the Flash Magic.
Eternal Darkness connected with a suplex, but the MC powered out after 2.  He then slammed the guru of garage into the one way glass thrice and then hit a Russian leg sweep.  The MC's head bounced off the ring like it was a bouncy ball, which it obviously isn't.  Eternal D then hit his patented reverse suplex, dropping MC on his head.
MC managed to regain control of the match and ran up to do a moonsault.  However, Etertnal D, but MC Pain landed on his feet!  He ran up, but missed the dropkick that he was aiming for due to the quickness of Eternal D.  The Lord of the Underworld then hit a bulldog.  The Master of the Mic managed to kick out after 2.
The MC then got a reversal and taunted Eternal Darkness by riding around on his back.  He then covered Eternal D's eyes with his hood and gave him a legdrop.  His nip-up after his leg drop landed on Eternal D's hand, which MC found hilarious.
MC Pain the ran up and hit an almighty jumping superkick.  As Eternal Darkness lay prone on the floor, MC Pain ran up and hit the Flash Magic for the 3 count victory!
Winner: MC Pain (Flash Magic)
After the match, an enraged Eternal Darkness delivered Sanity's Requiem to MC Pain, leaving him out cold on the floor.

BWF Title Match
Murorga Sim Bowa Vs The Escaped Convict
Commentator: Not God
Murorga made his way to the ring clad with the gas mask on, the underpants on is forehead and of course, to make the set comlpete, the trenchcoat.  After Not God had claimed the underpants as his own (that's disgusting) Murorga shook his face in a highly commical fashion that showed he was ready for business.  I'm not sure how it showed that, it just did.
Escaped Convict's music hit, and he made his way to the ring not carrying the BWF Title.  Not sure why not, but he wasn't.  The match was off to a good start.  Escaped Convict was wearing his cool new ring attire that isn't available on our shop.  However, various items are, and in order to get you to buy stuff from the shop I'm going to put subliminal messages throughout this match description.
Murorga started by BUY STUFF FROM THE SHOP missing 2 clotheslines before Escaped Convict hit him in the stomach sending Murorga flying through the BUY STUFF FROM THE SHOP air.  Escaped Convict hit is reverse suplex dropping Murorga on BUY STUFF FROM THE SHOP his face.
Escaped Convict slammed Murorga into the one way glass, but Murorga came back with a kick nad a DDT.  However, the Evil Escaped Elf (?) kicked out after 2.  Murorga then went for the Ho Chi Driver, Ho Chi Minh's move, but, as he doesn't know how to do it, it failed and that meant the Escaped Convict could hit the 3 suplex DDTs, a move originally invented by Grandpa Bob.  That Escaped Convict.  Even steals stuff off old men.
Murorga got back into the match with a huge spinebuster.  He then hit Escaped Convict with about a hundred million shots.  Give or take 5.  Murorga remained in control for a while and after a big arm drag, Escaped Convict rolled outside the ring.  While out there he got a steel plate from under the ring.
Escaped Convict went to hit the face-shaker with the steel plate, but Murorga saw him coming, blocked the shot, and grabbed him by the throat for the Goozle.  But Escaped Convict elbowed him in the head, picked up the steel plate and hit him it!  A 3 count later, and the Escaped Convcit had retained his BWF title.
Winner: Escaped Convict (steel plate shot)
Escaped Convict then attacked Murorga.  When his music was turned off, he demanded it be turned back on again.  However, it wasn't Escaped Convict's music that hit, it was Ho Chi Minh's!  Ho Chi ran to the ring and beat the hell out of Escaped Convict before rolling him away from the ring.  He then helped up Murorga and they made their way to the back.
So, the first BWF of the season ended with the sound of Murorga shouting "I AM STRAWBERRIES".


Suicidal Tendencies def. Nelson FlashHeart for the BWF Hardcore Title
Commissioner Jim/Bob announced forming of the Commissioner's Army.  Suicidal Tendencies announced as first member.
Goat Boy attacked Whiter T on the T Break
Phoenix def. Scorpian
MC Pain def. Eternal Darkness to retain the BWF IC Title.  Eternal Darkness attacked MC Pain after the match
The Escaped Convict def. Murorga Sim Bowa to retain the BWF Title