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Carnage 11/07/04

Results from the first Carnage of the season:

Carnage started with Commissioner Jim/Bob coming out.  He was talking on his phone to probably nobody.  Once he reached the ring, Commissioner reminded us of Murorga Sim Bowa's loss at the hands (or should I say steel plate?) of the Escaped Convict.  he then told us how, at 3 in the morning, Murorga had burst into the commissioner's room with underpants on his head and had demanded a rematch.  Commissioner Jim/Bob said that this was unacceptable, and that Murorga would not get another title shot unless he managed to defeat ALL of the newly formed Commissioner's Army, starting with Goat Boy.  He announced that the match was next in a retarded fashion and then left, much to everyone joy.
Goat Boy Vs. Murorga Sim Bowa
Commentator: Matt
Goat Boy made his way to the ring, despite the chairs blocking his way.  He climbed into the ring through the invisible ropes and announced that it was a disgrace that chairs were put in the way of his entrance.  He then fired the commentator in his fury.  He then told us how Murorga Sim Bowa had never defeated him, and how he had beaten Murorga Sim Bowa in a ladder-splash match.  He then was so bold to announce that Murorga Sim Bowa wouldn't even come out for the match.  Then, murorga's music hit.
Murorga came out, but he wasn't wearing underpants on his head!  Instead there was a bright red, shiny wig.  He then announced that he had lost his underpants.  Once he was in the ring, Goat Boy attacked him and beat him for a while.  He slammed Murorga's head into the one-way glass.  Then he did he trade-mark 3 kicks, ending with the spinning back kick.  He then ran up to do a monkey-flip, but Murorga caught him and spinebustered him.  He then missed a brilliant oppertunity to catapult him in the one-way glass and instead got him in a Boston crab.  After releasing the hold, Murorga stated to choke Goat Boy.  He then picked up Goat Boy and hit him with a hell of a right hand.  As in, his hand was red and burning with wee men in red pajamas on it with wee tridents.  And then hit him again!  He then slammed goat Boy's leg into the mat, before gettintg a cover and 2 count.  He attempted to hit Goat Boy with a blade of grass, however, the effect was minimal to say the least.  Murorga then hit a piledriver onto Goat Boy.  Again, Goat Boy managed to kick out before the count of 3.
However, this was no ordinary kick-out.  Oh, no!  It was a kick-out that lead to a submission.  The commentator tried to explain the pain that Murorga was in with an equation of equilibrium, and, failing that, counted a pin attempt by Goat Boy, which murorga managed to power out of.  An Oklahoma roll gained Goat Boy another 2 count.  Goat Boy then went for his patented Goat-a-matic, however, Murorga reversed it into a backdrop-backbreaker, and then  slammed him down.  Goat boy used all of his black heart however to kick out of the pin.Then Goat Boy got up, and went to kick Murorga.  However, Murorga caught his leg and hit the Version 3!  A 3 count later, and Murorga was 1 step closer to a rematch for the BWF title!
Winner: Murorga Sim Bowa (Murorga Power Slamma Jamma Version 3)
But this was not enough for Murorga.  He picked up Goat Boy and hit the Murorga Power Slamma Jamma Version 1, and then picked him up again and power-lifted him above is head before flipping Goat Boy onto his back.  Then Murorga left in a muchly retarded fashion, informing us that when he found his underpants he was going to make a soufflé.  For more news on Murorga's underpants soufflé, keep your eye on the shop for the BWF cookbook.
T Break
Guest: N/A
Commentator: Matt
We came back after the break to find the T break set up, but with one anomaly: the biscuits were slightly out of position.  Oh, and goat Boy was still in the ring.  Whiter T came out, and din't seem to notice Goat Boy at first.  he told us how he would be interviewing the rabi of rapping MC Pain.  However, Whiter T noticed Goat Boy and asked him what he was doing.
Goat Boy went on a massive rant about how no one likes the T break, tea, rich tea biscuits, or Whiter T.  In fact, anything with the sound "tee" in it ws hated, according to Goat Boy.  He then insulted Whier T very harshly when he said that no one like tea, they only like coffee.  Whiter T was so insulted that he said that Goat Boy ought to try some tea, and threw his cup of tea in the face of Goat Boy.  He then ran around a bit (don't know why) before hitting the scissors kick onto Goat Boy.  He then pleased us all with his highly original Whiteroonie.
Hardcore Title
Suicidal Tendencies (c) Vs. Cowboy
Commentator: Not God
Suicidal came to the ring wearing the belt on his head, before it came off while he did the worm.  Then, out came his opponent, Cowboy, wearing the same t-shirt as the commissioner because, as the commentator who is not God told us, he and the commissioner are drinking buddies.
The match started with a surprisingly orthodox move for a cowboy and mental idiot: the collar and elbow tie-up.  However, Cowboy soon made things go his way with a punch and the a falling clothesline.  Cowboy then grabbed a rich tea biscuit left over from the T break and hit Suicidal with it.  Punishing.  Suicidal used his innovative style to get back into the match, however, when he put the title on his head and proceeded to headbutt Cowboy.  Cowboy managed to power out of a pin after 2.  He then picked up a steel plate and hit Suicidal with it.  He picked him up then and slammed him into the "one way glass" that is most definately not a fence.  Cowboy then hit a steel plate with Suicidal's head (or is that the other way around) and then tried again, however, for a man who can't speak, Suicidal surprisingly intelligetly ducked and then hit a huge forearm smash Alan.  Don't ask about the Alan bit.
Suicidal used a vast array of moves on the legs on Cowboy, including hitting them with various weapons.  He then went and got a chain, and at the same time Cowboy picked up a plate.  They then both swung and clashed in mid-air with their weapons.  After a brief pause, Cowboy managed to overpower Suicidal and hit him with the plate.  Then, Suicidal got a low blow in on the Cowboy.  Anything goes in BWF hardcore.  He then went for a dropkick, which, in true Suicidal fashion, missed.  Both men struggled to their feet, but Suicidal took down Cowboy and then hit a Paul Phoenix headbutt to the groin.  He then grabbed a gum shield box and stuffed it in Cowboy's face.  Lethal.  He then set up the 3 legged chair and took its forth leg and beat Cowboy with it.  He then positioned the 4th leg completely out of angle under the chair.
however, when Suicidal entered the ring, Cowboy grabbed him and bulldogged him onto a steel plate.  And then he DDT'd him onto the same plate.  However, his arm got caught, so it took him a while to get the pin, so when he did, Suicidal managed to kick-out.  Suicidal took the opportunity to recover and then fought back against the Cowboy.  He then ran and leapt off the 3 legged chair, which surprisingly held his weight, and dived at the Cowboy and much like in one of the pictures on his superstar page, he missed completely.
Cowboy then hit Suicidal with a steel plate again, before locking in an armbar.  After a while, though, Suicidal managed to reverse the armbar and landed a splash.  But, once again, Cowboy turned to his old friend the steel plate and hit Suicidal Tendencies with it.  However, Suicidal managed to kick out of both of Cowboy's pinning attempts.  He then managed to hit a kick.  Thebn a brilliant combination by Suicidal ended up with Cowboy slamming into the one way glass.  Suicidal then went for the Suicidal Move off of the 3 legged chair and missed.  However, he managed to get up quick enough to hit a leg drop.  Contrary to popular belief, this isn't a 3 count move, and so Cowboy kicked out after 2.  Suicidal then missed a huge dive, and Cowboy locked in a submissione.  Eventually, Suicidal fought his way out, and managed to hit a dropkick, which Cowboy just managed to kick out of.
Then Suicidal went for a suplex, but Cowboy reversed it into one of his own.  Cowboy then picked up his toy gun.  Suicidal was shocked, but then started taunting Cowboy for threatening him with a toy gun.  This is a bit rich coming from someone who can't even talk.  However, Suicidal was caught by complete surprise, as well as the rest of us, including Cowboy, as when Cowboy pulled the trigger, Suicidal was sent flying.
Then Suicidal sat up ande said something oddly coherent that sounded like "Wait a minute", but was most probably just "Wahey hoo hahi" and took Cowboy's gun.  He then tried to shoot Cowboy with it, but to no effect.  He beckoned Cowboy closer, but instead of trying to shoot him again, it was a trick and he hit Cowboy with the gun.  He then hit a sort of version of the Goat Food, obviously learnt from fellow Commissioner's soldier, Goat Boy, followed by the Suicidal Move!  Then, just when it seemed that the match was won.  Suicidal's hand went crazy and grabbed Suicidal by the throat.  Then, he chokeslammed himslef all the way to the mat.  Cowboy rolled over to where Suicidal lay half in and half out of the ring.  Then, he pinned Suicidal for the count of 3.
Winner: Cowboy (Suicidal Tendencies chokeslammed himself)
After the match, Cowboy hit Suicidal with a steel tray before leaving.  Then Suicidal got up, prodded nhimself in the eyes, before chokeslamming himself again off of the 3 legged chair.
We came back after the break expecting a good match, and we were grossly disappointed, ass "I Believe in a Thing Called Love", the music of Ace Lightning of Team W.C.W. hit.  The camera turned round to see Ace Lightning with his new blue hair standing there.  He then went to the "titenatron", where Grandpa walked out from.  The walked to the ring.  When they got there, Ace and Grandpa announced an alliance against the other Team W.C.W. member, Mutilator the Mutilator.  However, when they went to do a celebratory hug, Grandpa accidentally stuck the POWER-WOWER in Ace's back, and Ace was sucked to Uzbekistan.  It was a sad day for all.  Then Mutilator's music hit as no one was doing the music properly, as Ace is the music man.
Phoenix Vs. Scorpian
Commentator: God
This match was the 2nd fight between these two this season.  Phoenix won the last match on Mayhem, however, Scorpian was out for revenge.  They started the match with a collar and elbow tie-up.  Scorpian shoved away Phoenix, then went for a clothesline.  However, Phoenix ducked.  He then went fo another clothesline.  Never one for originality, that Scorpian.  Phoenix managed to duck again and then Scorpian, once again, went for a clothesline, but managed to hit this time.  A 2 count later, and Phoenix was staggering to his feet.  Scorpian then started to pummel Phoenix for a while.  Then he hit a big scoop slam.  But Phoenix managed to kick-out at the count of 2.  So, Scorpian decided to trey and finish it and went for the Sting in the Tail.  However, Phoenix reversed it into a weird-looking leg lock.  But Scorpian managed to reverse this into a pin.  Already the match was being very topsy-turvey in that each man was being on top a bit, and then the other man would take over.
Scorpian slammed Phoenix's head into the one-way glass.  However, then Phoenix managed to hit a brainbuster.  This only achieved a 2 count.  Scorpian then got a kick in and then leapt onto Phoenix before launting him by slapping him across the back of the head.  Phoenix didn't take kindly to this, and came up behind Scorpian, hitting a bulldog.  Phoenix then connected with a jump kneeling facebuister.  For all you WWE fans, that's a Poison Ivy, the move that Ivory does.  A 2 count later, and Scorpian was, once again, getting back to his feet.  He tripped Phoenix and then locked in an anklelock.  Phoenix rolled through, though, and Scorpian missed yet another clothesline.  On the other hand, he did then manage to slam Phoenix head into the one way glass.  This ot Scorpian yet another 2 count.
Phoenix then tripped up Scorpian and locked his an anklelock of his own.  Scorpian managed to get to his foot, and hit a spiinning back heel kick to escape from the move.  Phoenix kicked out of the pin attempt though, so Scorpian locked in a Boston crab.  Scorpian let go of the hold in order to finish off Phoenix.  As Phoenix stumbled to his feet, Scorpian ran to hit the spear.  However, Phoenix moved and Scorpian went head-first into the one way glass.  Then Phoenix went for the ReBirth, but Scorpian reversed it and splashed Phoenix on the ground.  We very nearly had a repeat of the end of last week's match.  THAT would have been unoriginal.
Then both men staggered to their feet.  Scorpian ran up and hit the spear!  It seemed to be all over, but Phoenix still managed to kick out.  Scorpian decided enough was enough, and went to lift up Phoenix for the Scorpian Smash.  However, Phoenix slipped out, and hit the ReBirth.  A 3 count later, adn Phoenix had made it 2 weeks running over the Scorpian.
Winner: Phoenix (ReBirth)
BWF Title
Escaped Convict Vs. Ho Chi Minh
Commentator: God
Ho Chi Minh came out to the ring, ready for combat.  Escaped Convict then came out.  However, he had other ideas about defending his title.  He told Ho Chi Minh he thought it was funny that he thought he could fight for the title.  Instead, Ho Chi would be taking on someone else.  Then Escaped Convict told us "Thank God there's only one of HIM in the federation".  We all waited with are breath held (5 people eventually passed out) to see who Ho Chi's opponent would be.  then, Grandpa's music hit.
Ho Chi Minh Vs. Grandpa
Commentator: Matt
Grandpa came down to the ring in what was the anti-climax of the century.  Grandpa then tried to attack Ho Chi with many, many punches and a clothesline.  They had no effect.  Ho Chi then hit a straight martial arts kick to Grandpa's stomach, causing him to keel over.  Ho Chi then hit the Ho Chi Driver, and then locked in the Vietnamese Deathlock.  Grandpa tapped.  Ho Chi then made sure that Grandpa was OK afterwards.
Winner: Ho Chi Minh (Vietnamese Deathlock)
Ho Chi then warned the Escaped Convict that he better "Fear the Baah!" because he was going to "Make You Pay".
Escaped Convict, however, snuck up from behind Ho Chi with the same steel plate he used against Murorga last week.  He proceeded to hit Ho Chi with it 6 times.  Escaped Convict walked off with a smile on his face as Carnage went off air.


Commissioner Jim/Bob announced that Murorga couldn't have another title shot unless he beat all the Commissioner's Army
Murorga Sim Bowa def. Goat Boy
Whiter T attacked Goat Boy on the T Break
Cowboy def. Suicidal Tendencies for the Hardcore Title
Ace Lightning and Grandpa announced an alliance against Mutilator the Mutilator before Grandpa POWER-WOWER'd Ace.
Phoenix def. Scorpian
Ho Chi Minh Vs. Escaped Convict was changed to Ho Chi Minh Vs. Grandpa
Ho Chi Minh def. Grandpa
Escaped Convict attacked Ho Chi Minh from behind