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Mayhem 18/07/04

Results from the final Mayhem before No Love Lost:


Mayhem started with the ring set up with a table, a 3 legged chair and a goat in a very T break-like manner.  Then Goat Boy's music hit and he came out.  He announced that this was the Goat Pen, NOT a rip-off of the T Break.
Goat Pen
Guest: Goat
Commentator: Matt
He then proceeded to interview his goat, which was very boring.  It was just as well that the commentator kept us entertained.  Goat Boy was merrily talking in a very one-sided conversation with his goat, and drinking his coffee (NOT tea), when the question "Can you dig it, sucka?" was asked.  Then Whiter T came out.  He picked up the goat, which was once eaten by Murorga Sim Bowa, and then put it on the ground.  He then kicked the surprisingly un-brown goat, much to the dismay of Goat Boy.  He then picked up the goat, and booted it about 20 metres (seriously).
Goat Boy was so outraged at this that he went to throw coffee in Whiter's face, but there was no coffee in the cup!  So, instead, he booted Whiter in the groin and then hit the Goat Food.  Then, the camera turned around to look at the fan.  That's right, a FAN.  there's a picture of him if you click the link up at the top of the page.  The Goat Boy ran to get his goat.  We heard a cry of "HE'S DEAD!" and we went to a "break".
After the break, Commissioner jim/Bob's music hit, which was a huge disappointment.  No one likes this guy, except his army.  Not even me, and I love everybody, for I am Jesus.  The commissioner announced that Cowboy was actually not the hardcore champion because Suicidal Tendencies was half in and hlaf out of the ring, and whilst falls count anywhere, they can't count in 2 places at the same time.  Thus, Suicidal was still hardcore champion.  Also, Murorga would have to take on a mystery opponent tonight, who, if he beats Murorga will be part of the Comissioner's Army.
Murorga Sim Bowa Vs. ?
Commentator: Matt
Murorga came out WITH his underpants this week.  We all waited tensely to see who Murorga's mystery opponent would be.  As usual with the BWF, we were disappointed a "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" came on and Ace Lightning came down to the ring.  Murorga grabbed him and slammed him to the mat.  He then catapulted him into the fence to make up for not doing it last week.  Murorga then thought he had managed to pull of Ace's face, but he hadn't.  He then generally pounded him for a while, which was to be expected in a match of mental huge guy vs complete retard.  He then piledrove him.  Then he splashed Ace, but insisted that he kicked out of the pin.  He then hit his old finisher, the Shinobi.  He then tried to pin him, not realising that Ace was the wrong way up.  Ace then tried to pick up Murorga, but failed and hurt himself.  Murorga hit the M7.  Ace then skuttled away (the thing with Team WCW is that they don't sell good moves, but do pants ones, hence Ace got up quickly from these finishers).  Murorga followed and they ended up hidden behind some trees.  we heard the sound of "NOT THE VERSION 1" from Ace and then Murorga came back.
Then, out of the shed came Suicidal Tendencies (bet you thought that Suicidal and Murorga were both Ed, didn't you?) who tried to cross-body Murorga.  But, Murorga caught him and took him to the ring, where he hit a rib-breaker.  He then hit the Asylum Slam, followed by the H Bomb (2 moves that are unfamiliar as finishers of Murorga, but tough, they are).  then he pinned Suicidal for the count of 3.  Why did he pin Suicidal?  Who knows?  But he did, and he won.
Winner: Murorga Sim Bowa (H Bomb)
No.1 Contendor for Hardcore Title
Nelson FlashHeart Vs. Cowboy
Commentator: God
Cowboy started the match holding an umbrella in front of him.  Nelson had trouble figuring out a way past this defence, but in the end hit him in the leg with a bottle.  Nelson then beat the living hell out of Cowboy.  How hell was living in Cowboy I'm not sure, but it isn't any more.  He then hit a dropkick, but missed with a weapion shot.  Cowboy then hit him hard.  Cowboy then used a steel tray and smashed it against the head of the destructive drunk.  Nelson then took down Cowboy and went to do a submission with a belt.  He failed horribly.  Instead, he got in a pin, but only got a 2 count.  Nelson then whipped Cowboy into the one way glass and did a crazy sicidal splash into him.  He then hit the bar-room brawl.  But the strength of Cowboy allowed him to kick out after 2.
Cowboy managed to fight back with 3 big punches.  He then hit a suplex, which drove Nelson into the mat.  Cowboy got 3 points on his liscence for that one.  Nelson's head was then bounced off the table used in the Goat Pen by Cowboy and then it was bounced off of the one way glass.  Cowboy then took down Nelson for a close 2 count.  Nelson started to fight back with a clothesline.  He then hit a spinning elbow drop for a 2 count.  He hit another spinning elbow then, but missed the 3rd.  But he picked up a weapon and hit Cowboy with it.  He placed it on the ground then a DDT'd Cowboy onto it, and I'm not talking about the kind of DDT that kills mosquitos either.  Cowboy kicked after 2 though.
Nelson tried to finish things by diving off of the 3 legged chair, but he missed in a very Suicidal Tendencies like manner.  Cowboy pinned him, but Nelson was still too fresh and he kicked out.  2 steel plate shots later and Nelson wasn't quite so fresh any more.  However, he ws still fresh enough to kick out after 2.
Cowboy decided he had enough, and grabbed Nelson for the Cow Brander.  He hit it and all seemed over, but Nelson rolled through into a bridge, catching Cowboy by surprise.  1...2...3!  Nelson was the no.1 contendor.
Winner: Nelson (pin bridge)
He flipped to his feet and ran off, followed by an enraged Cowboy.  They disappeared behind some trees, and then Nelson came back, but was no longer followed by Cowboy.  He was celebrating his victory, when Cowboy reappeared and attacked him.  He then Cow Brander'd Nelson onto a metal plate.  he then droppeed an elbow and left the ring, the damage done.
Non-title Match
MC Pain Vs. Eternal Darkness
Commentator: Not God
MC Pain came out, returning after the concussion he recieved from Eternal Darkness as a belated birthday present.  He was telling us how the nurses had shown him a skeleton ("they're some biggin' it bones" said MC Pain), when Eternal Darkness interupted.  The match was to be non-title as MC Pain's contract states he can only defend his title once before No Love Lost, and he had done that on the last Mayhem against Eternal Darkness.
Eternal Darkness tried to get the match started by attacking MC Pain, but the rabi of rapping was having none of it and he took ages to sort himself out and get ready for the match.  In the ned, after MC Pain had said, "Right, warm up.  Run around the ring with me." Eternal Darkness lost his rag (it was a nice rag.  Blue with yellow dots) and attacked MC Pain with a harsh knee to the stomach.  then he drove MC Pain head-first to the mat.  The guru of garage is tough though, and got some strikes in.  He started working-over Eternal D's leg.
The Lord of the Underworld got to his feet, but MC Pain hit a huge spinning heel kick, and then a spinning splash when he was on the ground.  Eternal Darkness managed to kick out after 2.  Eternal Darkness got some strikes in and reversed a suplex attempt by the MC into one of his own.  MC Pain kicked out though after 2.  MC Pain pulled on his bandana, and contiinued fighting even though it covered his face.  He then took it off and throttled Eternal Darkness with it, beofre slamming him down onto the mat.  Eternal Darkness STILL managed to kick out though.
mC Pain started to damage Eternal D's legs, but Eternal fought back and eventually managed to connect with another suplex.  Wjhat followed were possibly the 3 harshest clotheslines in history, each one landing MC Pain on his head.  Even this wasn't enough to keep MC Pain down though, and he still kicked out after 2.  MC Pain then re-took control of the match and covered Eternal Darkness' face with his hood.  However, Eternal D still had enough wits about him to move out the way of an MC Pain backflip splash, but MC still landed on his feet.  MC Pain hit a big kick then, but only got a 2 count.
Eternal Darkness fought back though, and he went for Satan's Wrath.  But MC Pain blocked it with a handstand and hit the Flash Magic!  A 3 count later, and MC Pain had once again defeated Eternal Darkness.
Winner: MC Pain (Flash Magic)
MC Pain tryed to encourage Eternal Darkness to rap after the match, even giving him a beat!  Eternal refused though, so MC Pain gave him another Flash Magic.  Seems like a fair deal to me.
Next, we were outside the dressing room of Heavy Metal Man, BWF's newest superstar. As well as his name, the door had a huge Iron Maiden Number of the Beast poster.  Then, Scorpian came out.  As he walked down the corridor, he bumped into none other than the Escaped Convict, the current BWF champion.  He told Escaped Convict how Heavy Metal man was a cool guy.  I don't know for sure, but if Scorpian likes this guy, I don't think this sounds too good for the other BWF superstars.
Scorpian and Escaped Convict were talking to each other, when they both made excuses not to take part in their matchs tonight (Scorpian Vs. Phoenix and Escaped Convict Vs. Ho Chi Minh).  So, they made a plan to have Phoenix and Ho Chi take each other on instead.  Scorpian told Escaped Convict that he was "pretty close" to the commissioner, and so could get that match.
Ho Chi Minh Vs. Phoenix
Commentator: God
The match started how all face vs face matches start: with a shake of the hand.  Then they locked up with a collar and elbow tie-up.  Ho Chi Minh then used his martial arts skills to gain the upper-hand.  He then used the well-known martial-art move, the sit to attack Phoenix.  And then Ho Chi got a quick roll-up (and I'm not talking about cigarettes), but Phoenix kicked out.  He then hit a bulldpg, but Phoenix again kicked out.
Phoenix started tyo fight back but slamming Ho Chi into the one way glass.  He then hit he patented flying bulldog.  He then went for a bulldog, but ho Chi cleverly reversed it into an STO like manoeuvre.  I love that word.  Manoeuvre.  Just say it to yourself again and again.  Manoeuvre.  Manoeuvre.  Manoeuvre.  And then he went for the pin, but Phoenix kicked out.  He then slammed Phoenix's head into the table.  He then used more of his karate strikes.  But then, he missed 2 kicks, and Phoenix got one of his hardcore punches in.  He proceeded with some pounding.  He then hit a DDT, before locking in a submission.  They kept on reversing each other's moves, until Ho Chi Minh managed to hit a few punches and a clothesline.  After some mad technical moves, Ho Chi got a 2 count.  He then hit a DDT, and attempted the Vietnamese Deathlock, but Phoenix reversed it into a leg lock.  Ho Chi Minh rolled through, and then they started to brawl their way towards the trees.  They continued fighting.  Ho Chi slammed Phoenix into a headge and a tree.
The camera followed them "backstage", where Ho Chi was hitting Phoenix with a giant, wooden stake.  It also had a pointy end.  When Phoenix was on the ground, Ho Chi hit him and then ran groin-first into the pointy end of the stake.  Ignoring the pain, Ho Chi climbed up some "scaffolding" and leapt off with a rounding splash.  The impact was extreme, and Phoenix couldn't kick out.
Winner: Ho Chi Minh (rounding splash)
And as we went off air, the 2 opponents shook hands and swore their revenge against their enemies.


On the Goat Pen, Goat Boy hit the Goat Food onto Whiter T
Commissioner Jim/Bob announced that Cowboy is not the hradcore champion and that Suicidal Tendencies still is
Murorga Sim Bowa def. Ace Lightning/Suicidal Tendencies (not sure which)
Nelson FlashHeart def. Cowboy to become no.1 contendor for the hardcore title
MC Pain def. Eternal Darkness
Scorpian and escaped Convict organised that Phoenix should take on Ho Chi Minh
Ho Chi Minh def. Phoenix