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Backyard Wrestling Federation

News

BWF Ring... Gone?!

That's right. BWF's ring was stolen by an irate gardener, who claimed that the matres... ring was killing too much grass. So, they disposed of the ring and replaced it with a giant shed... which is killing even more grass. This is clearly ridiculous, and has led to the recent lack of BWF. Several episodes should be coming soon as we now have new ring. Huzzah and hooray.

BWF'S LESSER KNOWN SUPERSTAR

That's right, BWF has a superstar that not many people know about. His name is "the 3-legged chair". The three-leggede chair originally got its characteristic missing leg when someone backstage fell on it, snapping the leg off. Witer T then used the chair to embarrass Goat Boy on the T Break. Later on, Suicidal Tendencies, being the complete moron he is, jumped off it. Amazingly, it didn't fall over. He did it again, and once again the chair held. He even chokeslammed himself off it, still without the chair falling over. Incredible. The chair can be seen in the background of the following picture:

NO LOVE LOST

This summer's PPV will be comeing at you pretty soon. This event looks to be one of the biggest events that BWF have ever held. Not since BackyardMania has so much action been seen. Well, it hasn't actually been seen yet, because it hasn't actually happened. But it will... yeah...

BWF MAYHEM TAPE NOW ON SALE!

That's right. The first Mayhem of the season is now available on tape on eBay. Visit eBay and search for BWF, and I'm sure you'll find it! Matchs include:

Hardcore Title: Nelson FlashHeart Vs. Suicidal Tendencies

Phoenix Vs Scorpian

Intercontinental Title: MC Pain Vs. Eternal Darkness

BWF Title: Murorga Sim Bowa Vs. the Escaped Convict

And dont' forget the T break, with the guest Goat Boy!

BWF has a new superstar! Independant talent Heavy Metal Man, who uses the Iron Maiden and Sound Bite as his finishers is set to debut after No Love Lost! The Utra-charismatic fairly experienced wrestler is thought to be currently collecting his thoughts so that he can target the best suited wrestler to fall victim to his wrestling style. Stay tuned.

Finally, we at the BWF are ready for our new season. The following superstars were unfortunately lost due to an incident backstage involving one of the managers of BWF and various superstars. I won't go into any detail, but involved 2 rather large cabbages, Suicidal Tendencies' father, 12 herrings, a fish who can speak, a time traveler, Ed's book, my book, Matt's piece of paper (which he calls a book), a French man, an ugly person (or was that the French man? I forget), and a pair of tweesers:

Tae-Kwon-Do

Typhoon

Crazy Goat

Barbarian

I.B. Hardcore

Mr Anus

Dark Angel was also suspended.

Many people are commenting on our commentator. His name is God, and he is... well... God, I suppose. Despite his annoyingly slow counts, which even allowed Suicidal Tendencies to kick out of 5 Murorga Power Slamma Jammas, God has become one our most loved "superstars". His conversations with Eternal Darkness are particularly hilarious.

We here at the BWF are ready to start a new season, and will be introducing some more superstars in order to kick start the federation into the action-packed powerhouse that it was before we all got snowed-over by homework and the such-like.

We are currently in the midst of publishing the BWF autobiographies of Ho Chi Minh ("From War to Worse"), M.C. Pain ("The Way to Go if You're Biggin' it Bo!") and Eternal Darkness (20,001 Leagues Under the Sea"): Ho Chi Minh's tells the shocking tale of how he fought in the Vietnam War, and how he is finding it more difficult in the BWF; M.C. Pain's tells how he became te most well known rap-star in the world without anyone noticing; and Eternal Darkness's tells us how he made the journey from his home beneath the sea to the world of BWF. Stay tuned.

Unfortunatly, we have had to fire the great (cough, splutter, choke, turn red, pass out, die) wrestlers Irritable Bowel Syndrome (I.B.S.) and the Awesome Rectum, due to the surprising amount of furniture they were devouring back-stage each night.

GROUND BREAKING NEWS!!!

Recently, the "managers" of BWF realised that they were getting bored with the current goings-on. So, we have decided to refresh the BWF.

That's right BWF will be...

REGURGITATED!

We have decided to split BWF into two shows (Mayhem and Carnage) with 12 charactrers and 3 titles per show. This is very exciting for all of the BWF.

WAIT A MINUTE! I hear you cry. Or, I do if you speak English. If you're French then you're probably saying something like MAIS NON! but no one cares about the French anyway. Now, the reason you are saying "wait a minute" in block capitals (you ARE saying it, aren't you?) is because there are not 24 characters in the BWF. That maybe so. Infact there are only 16. However, we have thought of that and we have a cunning plan:

We have decided to bring in some independant talent and some people from CWF (Crap Wrestling Federation, our "training ground") and from WCW (they need the money. Don't know why they come here, we havn't got any!)

In order to increase the tension, I won't tell you the names of our people. Instead I will give you clues as to their identities, and for some I won't even do that:

1. You may develop a "Fear of the Dark"

2. The sun tends to hurt the eyes of your herd

3. Expect some bad weather

4. Don't keep changing your name and ripping your clothes

5. Face paint is meant for your FACE

6. Mr Anus may develop a band of followers

There will be a prize with for anyone who sends the right answers to my address.

Also, we have decided to give awards to some people, as we're at the end of the season. Go to the Awards page for more details.

NOOOOOOOOO! Murorga Sim Bowa CAPTURED on school camera! Shown below, he is giving Mr. Roebuck a strange look whilst BBQing for the sixth form. This is unacceptable seeing as the Murorga was meant to be in mental re-habilitation on this day!

"Oi!"

Here's the latest info on BWF:

>>> Dark Angel has been suspended due to the incident mentioned on the home page. This is a bad or good thing, depending on who you are. If your his friend, it's bad, but if your his enemy, it's time to crack open a bottle of champagne (preferably over Mutilator's head) and be happy, until he returns...

>>> The Commish has announced the Commissioner's Army! We all remember the damage caused by his last faction, the New Universal Warriors. If it's true that this faction is even worse, then no one is looking forward to the following weeks, except, of course, the members. Confirmed members are Goat Boy and Suicidal Tendencies, but rumour has it there is another member. Who, however, can't be said...

WWE SMACKDOWN TOUR DE FORCE!

Yes that's right, on Friday 9th May, all 3 BWF actors and Dan went to see WWE Smackdown! Tour De Force at eth London Arena adn it was AWSOME! Ed managed to secretly film the whole thing with his camera that he sneaked in first underneath a £10 brochure (!!!!!!) and then after doing a typical Ed and standing underneath a sign saying "No: animals, video cameras, outside food and drink etc etc etc" whilst holding the camera decided to put it in Will's pocket and thus it was sneaked in adn hidden under Will's new Version 1.0 T-Shirt that was stealthily put on Ed's lap......very subtle.

Anyhoo, 'nuff blather, it was incredible and we are all very happy to be in some way related to or known by Will (excep that old man...i wonder what he was doing....), for t'was his birhtday prezzie.

One of the highlights was in the match Tajiri and Rikishi vs. FBI, the whole crowd was quiet due to boring wrestling from Johnny Stamboli (Italien wrestler) onto Rikishi (fat sumo known as the Quiche as in normally cold pastry food substance usually with cheese and ham, pronounced Keesh) Anyhoo, the crownd was quiet and Matt jumped to his feet and in a very loud and tres bon Italien accent he bellowed in his always-loud commentary voice "Eh Stamboli! We all outta spagetti! You wanna piece of the quiche?!" which was met by howls of laughter from all over the crowd, much to our amusement.

We started a few chants including "Shave your back" when A-Train came out "Eddie, Eddie, Eddie..." for Eddie Guerrerro to dance at the end and "You suck" in the Team Angle match due to back acting. We of course took part in the normal "You Suck" chants in the Team Angle intro, "You f 'ed up!" when the mistakes happened and "619" with Rey Mysterio and all the countless other mindless phrase yellings, great fun had all round!

Beyond the Pain Barrier

'Twas the showcase of talent, the most pointless event of year, at the school that the BWF superstars attend (school? I mean... mental hospital... pathetic). People were milling around, bored by the bad singing from Douglas Norton and year 7s hitting each other with plastic light-sabers. Suddenly, Ed and Will started putting a beating on each other. The fight originally ended after a minute with a suplex. Then, due to popular demand (Ed's friend telling them to do it again) the Gamester brothers returned and started to beat each other.

Soon, they were watched by over 800 people as they put on undeniably the best performance of their lives. Will hit a 5-star frog splash from the steps and Ed destroyed Will with a variaty of big slams. Finally, Ed defeated Will with a good ol' fashioned Stunner. Amazingly, Ed and Will had just entertained 800 wrestling haters with wrestling! The showcase of talent was won by Ed and Will by over 400 votes.

Then, the idea came along. Ed's friends' junior enterprise company had lost £300 due to bad... stuff. So, Ed and Will put on a show to make the money back. There were a limited 300 seats, so at £1 a ticket, the money was made back. They put a great performance. It was a 2 out of 3 falls match: single, hardcore and then tables. Ed hit the stunner in the first match, giving him the 1-0 advantage, and Will hit his head in the second match, giving him a concussion. In the second fall, Ed got suplexed onto a trolley, among other things, but recovered to hit another stunner! Just as it looked like Will was beaten, a crowd member distracted Ed and the referree. Then a man with a solid steel chair came up behind Ed. A DDT and the most sickening smack you will ever see later, Will got the pin and won the second fall: 1-1. In the thirds fall, Will had trouble, being concussed and all. After a vicious battle, Will was positioned on a table, and Ed had a ladder. "MOONSAULT" cried Ed, and he climbed up the ladder, rung by rung by rung by rung by rung by rung by rung by rung until Will sat up. He smiled, climbed onto the ladder, and powerbombed Ed off the ladder, through the table. Will had won. Ed wasn't finished, though. He got up slowly, set up another table, grabbed Will by the throat and chokeslammed through the table with a sickening crunch.

Ye Olde Men Of Death!

Yes, that's right folks, Ye Olde Men Of Death are back in action. During a cocert at the RGS High Wycombe, Grimpa Bob and Grimpa Harry got into a scuffle and fought their way around the school. After being spotted by the headmaster, their dad's best amte, the school security manager and an old mate of Ed's from past times they arrived in the quadrangle opposite the concert hall. Here they fought stick to stick all the way across the carpark and caught the eye of various people waiting to be in the conert. As the fight continuted the onlookers became "fans" and laughed at the pain of the old men. Spurred on my the laughter the old men got more and more aggressive unitl and vicious rolling kick-to-head from Grimpa Harry knocked Bob unconcious. However, Bob quickly recovered and picked up Harry. He then carried him over the road and implanted his head into a wooden fence for the victory. Oh yes, Ye Olde Men Of Death are well and trully back in action! We will keep you updated on these crazy old fools.